Yesterday I watched Colbert interview Twitter founder Biz Stone. To my delight he said twat which I feel should be the official past tense of twit. Twittering Twats. Now that has a ring.

Colbert was also telling us that Meriam Webster changed the definition of marriage to include same sex partnerships. In Spanish there are lots of words like encebollar (obvi root word of cebolla:onion) which means to onionize or to add onions to a dish. I was always sad that we English speakers have no such thing. Until now. Steven suggested: engayify: to gay it up.

Everything about this screams utarded.

However, my new favorite addition to the Blythe idiolect (a dialect that only one person speaks and I apparently have) is Utard. Now Utard is simlar to the word redonk(ulous) in that it can be good and bad. Like the crappy Utah liquor laws forcing us utards (residents of utah) to buy memberships to all bars are definietley utarded. However this big muther storm dumping 150 inches in 2 weeks in april water content 7% omg is mos def also Utarded. Utarded fresh!

Too much snow can sometimes be meh

So everyone seems to be making lists these days, I thought I would make one of my own in honor of the season’s best storm. Sometimes the impossible happens: your jacuzzi is too hot,  there is too much snow or like the old Chinese proverb translated by Joel Pryde goes, you throw your meat bun at a dog?

1. Red Mountain Rossland, Canada

Storm chasing/ass master 2005 began in Rossland, Canada which hosts the awesome tree dancing pachinko funtime ski runs. It snowed. Roads closed. Joel, I, and the people of Rossland were trapped with the best snowy funtime ever. Everyday involved convincing the hostel to accept our weird USD funny money for one more nite of stuckage.

2.Las Leñas Malargüe, Argentina

Tom and I got stuck on a farm in middle of nowhere Argentina because it snowed too much to ride the jam packed Bob Marley fueled collectivo van 1.5 hours to the resort.  I could not figure out why we had to separate the organic basura trash from the recycling until I saw the giant snow chancos (piggies) eating it.

(more…)

1

Filed under:
Giraffe Mutterings, Snow by blythe

Its that time of year again! Daffodils blooming only to be covered in snow, bunnies hopping and shelves full of peeps. Why? Why do people like peeps. Seriously, they are probably the most disgusting candy ever. Thinking about them gives me that nasty nasty nauseous salivating nastiness that’s only comparable to my aversion for sweet breath. Ugh.

Did I always hate peeps? Did traumatic college experiences ruin me for peeps? Do other people seriously eat them? Can I make it to Easter without vomiting every time I walk into a drug store.

Well rewind 15 years to Yokota High, Yokota Air Force Base,  Tokyo Japan. All the overseas international and department of defense high schools meet for sporting events and tournaments. Typically you get on a charter bus, drive at least 2 hours, play soccer or program computers or whatever. (Don’t forget to drink heavily since alcohol comes out of vending machines and you are 16.) One overnight, sleep in the marine barracks trip had some of the richie international school kids begging us military brats for peeps since they didn’t have access to our commissaries apparently filled with delicious American candy. I remember thinking wtf. But why did we have peeps anyhow?

So moral is peeps are gross. Do not lick. Do not eat. Don’t even look. I hope I can make it to Easter without defiling Safeway.

So it turns out that not as many folks who care about MySQL and Ruby on Rails want to hear about drinking sparks and snowboarding. Wtf people? Anyhoo, now I have two blogs for your enjoyment.

• Snow Giraffe Tech a technical blog about Ruby on Rails and MySQL where I try to be professional (boring!)
• The Snow Giraffe Blogs this personal funtime blog about the snow gnar, the sparks, people I like, and general awesome

If you are bored and want to know about splitting wordpress blogs and being really boring you can read this on my new blog.

hammer tells us about bumps and pumps

I recently had the opportunity to go to the once in a lifetime concert with Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer rocking it like they did 18 years ago. Sort of.

This was my first time I spent any time in Provo, UT. Provo is basically the heart of everything pure and the church of latter day saints (not Salt Lake as you may think). Brigham Young University is in Provo. I think there is one bar but a lot of ice cream. Do note however that Provo has one of the largest drug rehab centers on the west coast. Its not just that Provo has a huge Meth amphetamine problem but actual Hollywood stars come to Utah to get better!

Anyhoo, I should have known there would be only Pepsi and no beer. I should have suspected that the after autograph signing party would be in a yogurt shop. I did not expect however long monologues from the Hammer.

“Yah know I just look at those ladies and their bumps and try not to look but they’re wearing bumps and then hey…” Pump N Bump starts playing

“Well times are hard now. Yes. Really hard with the recession. And you know I’ve been saying for 18 years, you’ve got to pray.” Pray starts playing

and so on. So yeah the hammer was fun. Ice sort of sounds scary with scratchy voice but he did play all 3 of his hits (Ice Ice baby, Go Ninja, Play that funky music white boy). It was worth it for sure. But note to self, no matter what you are doing in Provo, take a beer with you.

Awesome! Giraffe blog

Snow Giraffe Sitings!

I have nothing to do with this awesome snow giraffe blog. But I agree with everything in it. Apparently there are other snow giraffes out there waiting to for big dumps gnar and pow!

Man thats some deep snow! I wish I knew who made this on a tee-shirt.

Snow giraffe sculpture by makjadu on flikr!

I was checking on the Center for Disease Control (CDC) site to make sure I’ve had all my tropical diseases shots , and low and behold it has gone web 2.0!

In addition to rounded corners, (but should you use Javascript instead of CSS is the million dolla question????)  here are some suggestions:

BETA Syphilis in Salt Lake

Free! Scabies in San Francisco

For a Limited Time Only Scurvy in Seattle

San Fran, the state of California and 12 other states decided for us that my favorite bevy, Sparks Energy Drink, is just too dangerous and marketed to children. Well yeah, the battery look definitely attracts infants; I mean didnt everyone have some kid who ate glue and batteries in the 2nd grade. Certainly, battery eating has everything to do with the caffeine, Taurine and ALCOHOL which composes the deliciousness of sparks!

Young people are most vulnerable to the effects of alcoholic energy drinks like Sparks because they are prone to engage in risky behaviors such as binge-drinking and are less experienced in gauging the debilitating effects of alcohol. They are also more at risk of acute alcohol problems, including traffic crashes, violence, sexual assault, and suicide. Full release..

So as a result, Sparks has been removed from the shelves of evil California (and 12 other states) and the new recipe will not include caffeine taurine and alcohol? wtf? Doesn’t California have better things to do besides banning sparks and unmarrying the gays and putting chickens and pigs in bigger cages (how about not giving out IOUs for tax returns).

Sparks is the best!

Well, recession affected Nevada certainly does! With an 11% unemployment rate, Vegas will do anything to get you to visit, including helping you load up on evil diabolical sparks. And visit I did. Instead of gambling, I tailgated an art show with sparklemotion (1 part sparks, 1 part cheap champagne): the best drink ever invented by Derek Bass and Nina Lang. There was a pickup truck involved. Someone vomited. Most of us looked at art. The best part about it all, nobody died. Not one!

So  if you are craving the awesomeness of sparks, head to Vegas, and get it while you can! And if you are sad that you still live in evil California you can sip on sizzurp, slow it down with all new DRANK the anti-sparks. Still legal for a limited time.

This week for the first time I:

My new splitboard is heavy, stiff, and really green. I got so mad skinning and falling that I had to sit. People in the Wasatch are super nice and showed me how to go better and drove us back to the car post creek crossing. I had on a pink hat. I don't know how much I like going up hill on two halves of a board.

• was locked in the Snowbird tram center due to too much awesome snow. Illegal to go outside. Nothing to do but stare at boutique shop and eat cookies.
• skinned up a Wasatch mountain, rode a splitboard down
• crossed a river in snow gear
• face planted off a tweener. I have never dropped a cliff this poorly and landed head first.
• ate a quail egg