Yet Another Utarded List
I am packing up my bags and going on tour. Good bye Utard. I love you for best snow season of all of USA 2009, but alas you are melting. Anyhoo, living in Salt Lake I learned a few new things. Fortunately I was not eaten by Mormons as some predicted, as the majority of the SL, UT are not LDS, especially those heathen snowboarding and drinking establishments I frequent. Nonetheless, here is a list of things I learned this winter.
Things Mormons Hate
(other than the obvious black people and gay people)
- FLDS. The LDS hates the fundamentalist polygamous multi-wife marrying twelve 12 year olds because it makes them look bad. Real bad. In fact, when a lot of non-utarded people think of Utard and Mormons, they actually think of the FLDS instead of the LDS. It is somewhat inaccurate, but then again with the Prop 8 outcome nobody out of state really cares to correct them.
- HBO’s Big Love - Big Love, a tale of a polygamous family in SL, UT was awesome this year. Fortunately for us, it showed lots of Mormon rituals like baptizing the dead and playing 15 min in heaven dressed in white as pilgrims. This enraged the LDS. Big Time.
- Hiring Heathens. You have to wear a special CTR ring to get a job in salt lake to show your temple worthiness. In USA its illegal to hire based on religious preferences, but you either have the ring or you don’t. No questions asked. Remember the 80s when the entire FBI was LDS?
Things Mormons Like
- Ice cream (and jello). Think about. Take away sex, drugs, cigarrettes, alcholol, what do you have left. Exactly, ice cream. The jello aisle in the grocery is amazing. There is a cold stone creamery every block. Yum. everyone likes ice cream.
- Guns. Huge in Utard. While in most places you can get around the waiting period by buying a used weapon, most places it is not as easy as using the local version of craigslist, ksl. Look an AK47 for $600. Also, the Utard concealed weapons permit is reciprocal in all states except Cali.
- Bees. The mormons are way into honey bees and hives, etc. Deseret. Busy as a bee keeps idle hands in your pants? What wa?
Things Mormons Should Like
I really want a mormon pie. Maybe a strawberry rhubarb pie. Is there such thing. Can I get a pie in here?
Things Mormons Will Hate when they figure it out
Domestic Partnership (espeially between man and woman). Oh yes, gay marriage doesnt threaten the santity of marriage as much as Domestic Partnership (marriage lite). In much of the West (Cali, King County/Seattle WA) girls and boys can be domestic partners and get pretty much the same benefits as married folk. Awesome.
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